Okay, so I'm feeling much better since that last post. I tend to forget how vital exercise is to my overall mental health. If I'm not working out, I start to feel lazy, fat and ugly (as noted below). So...I'm trying, really trying to get back into a routine of working out every day. It's a slow process, but I'm getting there.

Ugly and Fat

Lately I have been feeling more like my 19-year-old self than the mature 31-year-old I'm supposed to be. At 19 I wore big baggy clothes, I avoided social activities and I hated, despised, the way I looked. I had no good reason to have such a low self-esteem but I did. I was miserable. Nothing my family or my friends said would change the way I felt about myself. As time went on, I sought help, I took medication, and things got better. I never fully appreciated myself and the way I looked but I wasn't as handicapped by it either. I enjoyed social activities, I didn't let my image in the mirror stop me from doing the things I enjoyed. I was better.

And then, out of nowhere, I started to feel ugly again. I've been angry and sad, all because of the way I look and the way I want to look. I turn down invitations from friends because I can't stand the thought of getting dressed, putting on make-up, only to be dissapointed by the way I look.
The intelligent part of me knows how stupid this is. There are people who are actually suffering from serious afflictions. I am healthy, I have everything I need. I shouldn't be upset because I'm not a size two, or my skin isn't perfect. But I am. And it effects every part of my life.
I don't want to get up and go to work. I don't want to hang out with friends. I lash out at those closest to me. And I'm starting to realize that this is a real problem. And I know I'm not the only one that suffers from it.
I know there are so many girls and women who feel ugly and fat and they let it get in the way of living their lives.
I want to do something about that. I want to change myself and then offer my experience, my advice to the other women who feel this way.
But the hard part is first being able to change myself. I have to stop thinking those words UGLY and FAT every time I look at myself. I have to do something...